So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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