tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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