the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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