just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize