I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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