he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
