I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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