help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
