Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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