My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I wish I only lived at night.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
