OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
