Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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