Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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