Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
