I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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