I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
