Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
