I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
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Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
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Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
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