Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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