Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
