I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
