I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
