you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
