I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
