the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
