I could make wine with my vomit
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
