WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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