my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
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