just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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