he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
