Don't make out with my wife yet
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
