If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
