Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
