omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
