I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
