eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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