I accidentally had phone sex last night
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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