I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
