I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
