I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
My bed smells like the plague
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
