She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
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There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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