i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
