Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
