God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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