Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
whose parrot is this?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
