fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
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My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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