My liver just broke up with me...
Moan for me like Helen Keller
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
