I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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