He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
