It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
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