i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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