I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
