He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
