i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
