Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
