i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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