Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
