The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
