i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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